i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
sarcasm needs its own font
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize