Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
