How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
