i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
