Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
