3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
