What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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