I think I won the penis lottery.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
We have started to decorate penises.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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