Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
