The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
