Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
