Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
