just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize