I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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