I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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