Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
