so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
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