I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
