So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
