dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
