Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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