birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
