I wish I could punch you in the face.
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
