Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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