I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
