Porn is love you can see.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
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