It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
