I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
