I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Randomize
