I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
