Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
