Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
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