No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
