Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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