I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
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