She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
