Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
