If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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