yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
