I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize