i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize
