Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Randomize
