The maid of honor just puked.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
