i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
