I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
the condom got lost in my hair
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
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