i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Randomize
