Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Randomize
