After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
this is an emotional support booty call
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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