you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
