Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Randomize
