he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
