Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Randomize
