So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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