i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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