It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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