I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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