i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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