My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
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