Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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