I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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