K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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