That's when you crack a 10am beer
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
