I looked at my own cervix.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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