haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
