and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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